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Author Topic: Several Jokes in One Thread  (Read 2856 times)
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sweetheavens

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« on: May 29, 2007, 04:25:56 AM »

To save myself from posting too many new threads here~  Grin 

A Toast to Fertility
A chicken farmer went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a woman patron and orders a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

He turned to her and said, "What a coincidence!... This is a special day for me; I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says the woman.

"What a coincidence," says the man.

They clinked glasses and he asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."

"That's great!" says the woman, "how did your chickens become fertile?"

"I switched cocks," he replied.

"What a coincidence!" she said.



Sperm Count
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:

"Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing".

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open."



What the Mind Percieve
A Primary School teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what is your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the Primary 1. My sister is in Primary 3 and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in Primary 3 too!"

The teacher took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal that the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the Primary 1, and behave. The teacher agreed. Harry was brought in. The conditions were explained, and Harry agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9"

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36"

And so it went with every question the principal thought a Primary 1 student should know.

The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Harry can go to Primary 3."

The teacher says to the principal, "May I ask him some tougher questions?"

The principal and Harry both agree.

Teacher: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two?"

Harry: "Legs."

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
(The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!)

Harry: "Pockets."

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Teacher: "What's starts with a C and ends with a T, and it is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"
(The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...)

Harry: "Coconut."

Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

Harry: "Bubblegum."

Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and dog do on three legs?"
(The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...)

Harry: "Shake hands."

Teacher: "Now I will ask some 'Who am I' sort of questions, okay?"

Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do." Who am I??

Harry: "A Tent."

Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first." What am I??
(Principal was looking restless and a bit tense)

Harry: "A Wedding Ring."

Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, I feel good." What am I??

Harry: "A Nose."

Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver. What am I??"

Harry: "An Arrow."

Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put this ass in Primary 6 ! I got the last 10 questions all wrong myself."



The Pharmacist
A young man goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Hello, could you give me condom. I'm going to my girlfriend's place for dinner and I think I may be in with a chance!" The pharmacist gives him the condom and the young man leaves.

He soon returns and says, "Give me another condom because my girlfriend's sister is very cute too. She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think I might strike it lucky there too." The pharmacist gives him a second condom, and as the boy is leaving he turns back and says, "Go on, give me one more condom because my girlfriend's mum is still pretty cute and when she sees me she always makes eyes, and since she invited me for dinner, think she is expecting me to make a move!

During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left, the sister on his right and the mum facing him. When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts praying, "Dear Lord, bless this dinner and thank you for all you give us."

A minute later the boy is still praying; "Thank you Lord for your kindness."

Ten minutes go by and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down.

The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend is even more surprised than the others. She gets close to the boy and says in his ear, "I didn't know you were so religious."




The boy replies, "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist!"



All New Mr Lee
Santa Singh just graduated from Law school and decided to apply for a job in the most prestigious 'Lee & Lee Law Firm'. During the interview, Mr. Lee looked at Santa Singh's resume, thinks for a while and said, "Well, I would need to discuss your application with my wife." And went off to discuss Santa's application with his wife. Lee's wife said, "C'mon, don't you know that we only hire lawyers with surnames beginning with 'Lee' only? Of course, we can't hire Santa Singh!"

So Mr Lee told the bad news to Santa Singh about his rejection.

Few days later, Santa Singh came back to the same company and request for another interview and Lee said, "Look Santa, I have already told you that we only hire......." when Santa Singh interrupted him and said, "I know, I know. I have just changed my name."

Mr Lee looked at Santa Singh in surprise and asked, "What is your new name then?" On this, Santa Singh replied, "Surname Lee, first name, Manga!"

(Manga Lee)



Speaking Hokkien
Ah Lian ask shopkeeper: Eh Ah chek, u got sell stocking up to knee, boh?
Ah Chek : Lu siao ah! stocking wear up to 'yeo' (waist) only, where got up to the 'nee'(breast) one.



Gas Station Promotion
A gas station was trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-Up."

Soon a local guy pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The guy then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."

A week later, the sameguy, along with a friend, pulled in for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

The guy guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time." As they were driving away, the guy said to his friend, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."

His friend replied, "No it ain't, rigged --- my wife won twice last week!!"



In Abundance
One day, there is an American, one Italian, a Singaporean and Bangladeshi travel around on a private helicopter.

After about one hour traveling, the American take out his cigarette (Dunhill) lighted it up and start smoking after two sip, he throw the balance of the cigarette.
The others three persons surprise and ask "Why didn't you finish-up the cigarette before throwing ?"
He reply arrogantly: "There is a lot of cigarette in my country."

Half an hour later the Italian take a bottle of branded perfume and apply on him and the rest he throw out of the window. The other three persons was surprised and ask "Why did you throw away the perfume? "
The Italian reply also: "There is alot of perfume in my country."

The Singaporean don't know what to do & suddenly push that Bangladeshi out of the helicopter.
The other two person was shouted crazily "Why did you push him !! !! !! ?? ?? ??"
The Singaporean say slowly: "There is a lot of Bangladeshi in my country."

Everybody keep quiet and stayed away from the Singaporean.



Train Announcement
A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your ass in the train, Cause we're going down the tracks." The horrified mother went in & told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for traveling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please direct your complaints to the fat bitch in the kitchen."

Thank you for travelling with us.
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sweetheavens

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« Reply #1 on: May 29, 2007, 09:38:50 PM »

I realised lots of jokes found online or sent via email are meant for "adults only"  Roll Eyes

Three 'Brave' Mice
Three male mice are sitting at a bar with three shots of tequila arguing about how tough they are.

The first mouse says, "I'm so tough I break into the cupboard just to eat the rat poison." He slams down his tequila and looks at the second mouse.

The second mouse replies, "That's nothing. I'm so tough I run through a mouse trap, grab the cheese, flip onto my back & bench-press the killer springed trapwire." He slams down his tequila and looks at the third mouse.

The third mouse slams down his tequila, slides off his stool and begins walking away from the bar.

The other mice scream, "Oi! Softy!, where do you think you're going?!

The third mouse replies, "Home, to shag the cat."



About Condoms
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son when they happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy. "Yes, I've heard of those in the health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asked, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for schoolboys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool~" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks,"Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men," the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for us married men. One for January, one for February, one for March......."



More About Condoms
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end and put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely she is, after all, over 80 years of age, but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.
The pharmacist fainted.



The Son-in-law
As a mother passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked: "What in the world are you doing?"
The daughter replied: "Mum, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband! Please, go away and leave me alone."

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door.
Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: "Dad, I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."

A couple days later, the mum came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room.
As she went in, she saw her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the tv. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked: "What the hell are you doing?"

The husband replied: "Watching football with my son-in-law."
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